Friday, October 15, 2004

You know, i'm getting to the point of indifference with the whole situation here. Right now, my roommate is here with his fiance who is lying down on the bed with him. Why can't I have my boyfriend (if I HAD one) here with me, snuggling, cuddling with me? I have the same desires and goals as heterosexual guys. I have the same physical makeup.....we won't go into that one......if you don't know, ask someone, hahahahaha. I'm just really getting annoyed by the situation. I know that I just said that I'm indifferent to everything, but, it's REALLY annoying about my roommate and his fiance. She has her own herself. Why can't they just leave our room alone and go to her room???? I don't want to see them in bed together. Obviously, they aren't doing anything or at least they BETTER NOT BE! So, I don't understand.....why can't I just have the room to myself. If and when I come out to everyone, I want them to keep this in mind. I have to live in their world 24/7 and I have to put up with their relationships and I try to be open to them. They only live in my world if they ask me about it. They don't have to worry about my relationships because, first.....I don't HAVE any! And second.....even if I did, I would realize that it might make them uncomfortable. However, both of those things are happening to me at this very moment. I don't understand how they could do that?! Ok, I'm just rambling, but, that's why I created this blog. So, I could vent to some degree.

Wednesday, October 13, 2004

Why can't I be me????

Why can’t I be me???? I mean, is it really that big of a deal??? Looking at it from my point of view, I don’t think it is. I’m a homosexual white male, living in a small town in the state of Maryland. My family is a conservative, devoutly religious family that loves to say “Our society today….” and continue on with whatever rant they are about to go on. At that point, I try to just discreetly leave the conversation by occupying myself with something that does not have to be done or do something that I really don’t want to do, but do it anyway just to get out of the conversation. There is no one in this world that completely understands me for whole I am, or at least, that’s how it feels a lot of the time. Because of their religious and conservative, I can’t talk to my family about what I’m going through, in fear that they will shun me and kick me out of the family. The one close family member I have come out to has basically told me that she wished I never told her. I once thought that my family could handle anything and that I could count on them for anything. I have quickly come to the realization that that is not the case. When I came out to my mother about a year and a half ago, she basically shunned that part of me and, even though I still live at home when coming home from college, it is the great unspoken. My family in that sense has adopted the army’s policy of “Don’t ask, don’t tell” policy.

My church is not even a safe harbor for me. My extended family doesn’t even want me. They want the straight me, but, no the gay me. I have been this way for as long as I can remember. I don’t see how someone who has known me their whole life can shun me for being me. They have always known me this way; I have just given it a name. And for that name, I am shunned. Why??? My passion is to listen to people and help them. My love above all is God and I feel, to some degree, that He is calling me to the ministry. However, my church and its members have said that I can’t because I’m gay. I don’t deny that I’m living in sin, but, so is everyone else. In God’s eyes, no sin is greater than another. So when someone says, “You’re living in sin, don’t you realize that?” of course I know that! My point is, we are ALL living in sin and in God’s eyes, lying or cheating or even being lazy is the same degree of sinning as homosexuality. No one is perfect. If they are, I would like to see them walk on water. Chances are they won’t be able to do it. I don’t understand. My faith in God is in no way affected by who I’m attracted to. Sometimes, it’s strengthened. The church is somewhere I should be able to escape, to seek “sanctuary”, from the world. However, the world follows me in with every step that some of my church members take. The gossip begins in the back of the church and the politics of the church rear its ugly, disgusting head. Why can’t my church know the actual ME!? What are they afraid of? What am I afraid?

I had the mistaken impression that college would be different; that I could actually be me when I moved away. Now I know that that is not possible. Tonight I was doing an assignment for a class and thought about putting a gay spin on it. Then I realized I could not do that in fear of getting kicked out of school. Why????? My homosexuality has no affect on my academics. On my college transcript, there is no stamp that says “gay—not intelligent” or “academically—a good student—as long as he is straight”. That is absurd to even think of. So, why are colleges reluctant? Is it because my school is a religious school? What fear do they have? I’m not going to try and convert anyone to being gay. Why would I do that? It can’t happen. Whether it is a choice or if we are born this way, WHY would ANYONE do that??? It doesn’t make sense. If someone is of that influence, why make them feel like they are in constant danger of being discovered for being them??? They already live like that 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, every year of their life until they come out. Even after they come out, they are always under the fear of rejection, the fear of being beaten up, and worse, the fear of being killed for who they are. What if the roles were switched? What if the majority of people were GAY? How would straight people feel to be in constant fear? How would straight people feel to always be looking others of their orientation? Maybe at that point, straight people would truly know how it feels to be gay. I just don’t understand.

Being gay is not some type of fad or contagious disease that can be caught from contact. It is someone’s life. Statistically, one of every ten people is gay. That means that one of every ten people in the world is rejected from “today’s society”. When talking about a gay person, that person is not just gay; they are much more. There is more to a gay person than being gay as much as there is more to a straight person being straight. There is very little difference between the two. One likes and then possibly loves someone of the opposite sex, the other likes and then possibly loves someone of the same sex. The gay culture has developed over time due to the rejection of gays in straight culture. I love a guy. He has been my best friend and I can’t be happy without talking with him and knowing that he is there. He has been there for me. In this whole world, so far in my life, he is the one that understands me the most. He has constantly been there for me and I am forever gratefully to him for it. However, I have to hold this in because our society, my family, my church, my college doesn’t agree with my lifestyle. I don’t understand. I don’t understand my society, my family, my church, my college. They need to get real. I’m attempting to get real with myself, but, I can’t completely with them NOT getting real.