Tuesday, September 14, 2004

Why can't i be me??? i always feel so lost; so lonely. I'm in college now. i'm suppose to be ENJOYING myself and here i am, in my dorm room....alone. i am enjoying myself to a certain degree. there is more to me than just being gay. I'm tired of the running. I'm tired of the hiding. I'm tired of wearing this mask that i have worn for sooo long. i have had crushes before and i have crushes now. i have loved someone who doesn't return the feeling and it makes me heartbroken. But, I put on that mask for him and for me to keep our friendship intact. Why is it so hard? Why the freak is it so hard????

9 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well, I can't quite remember the feelings when I first got away from home and started the life alone in Uni.Somehow it posed me if I really enjoyed the life getting involved with all these...most of the freshman made me feel like I'd enrolled into a mating season that eveything held was just to find a partner or something like that.I was lucky, however.There were 5 roomates sharing the room with me, 4 straight, and one having a girlfriend ( say we're in girls' dorm ).Days back to that were like heaven, me single, but hanging out a lot with them. And my roomate's girlfriend even bacame one of my best friend since she usually stayed for one night or two on the weekends. Honestly none of my friends suffered from the decision to come or not out of the closet. A gay friend usually shared his new romance and sometimes made me blushed *smile*. And that was one of the happiest moment in Uni life I must say. Though it was not 100% they fell in love with the right ones, despite of the countless nights I spent listening to the heartbreaking love stories, I really respected their courage to face the seemingly endless challenges.They were brave , considerate and self-confident ( of course they still are ), so how could I ever let go any of them?
Maybe I don't know much about you, I do think you're an adorable guy...at least the inner value is quite ...well, I don't know, just making me feel....warm. This is my first time posting a comment, hope not too clumsy then .

April 23, 2005 at 10:24 AM  
Blogger John said...

Thank you anonymous. I really appreciate your comment. I'm sorry that I haven't responded sooner, but, i've been really busy with school. And your first comment was not clumsy at all. I would love to hear more from you. I would love to know what ur name is, where you're from, etc. Hope to get another comment soon.

John

April 25, 2005 at 1:42 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

So here I am again. Not torturing your eyes, I'd quikly introduce myself. 9 out of 10 times I use the name " BlueLotus," though my favorite color is actually purple (indigo). I come from the small island pointed by 600 missiles built in Mainland China...and yes, Taiwan is my hometown (that means I develop nostalgia when away from it).Of the age 21, I'm now in the third year of Uni that one day I found myself preach to the greeny with student's duty...it sometimes reminds me of my high school...a Catholic girls' high school, but almost all of my best friends were lesbians (you should really see Sister's face when she caught my friends kissing, and it was the news of the day). So life for me is under various paradox...just like I suppose to work on the exam, but my fingers are tapping on the keyboard...maybe I can ask the professor to print this blog as an open-book examinaiton , and surely I'll be good at it *smile*.

Best wishes with school .

May 14, 2005 at 11:59 AM  
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