Monday, April 25, 2005

Long time!!!!

Hi everyone. I have to say, it's been awhile. A lot has happened and unforunately, I don't have that much time to type it all. lol. I've started to write sort of an "autobiography" of me since about 7th grade when I finally "labeled" myself. So far, that's going well. Since I go to a Christian school, obviously religion is very important here. Well, I tried to get a position as a student chaplain on the campus and actually was approved. However, sadly, someone who I trusted told them that I was gay and a few other things that were told to him in confidence and, well, to make a long story short, my student chaplainacy was revoked. I'm ok with it, I guess. I'm just upset that my "friend" would do something like that to me, ya know? I like my friends to be loyal and be people that I can go to in the hard times, not just the good. I don't really know of any person that DOESN'T want a friend like that. I guess that they are a little harder to find then I originally thought. So, I had to face that. At the same time I was facing that, my grandmother passed away. Missed several days of school due to the funeral and all. Then, once I came back to school, I found out that one of my teachers from high school had passed away. So, all in all, I'm ready for this school year to be over. And it will be in about a week. This is the last week of classes and then next week are finals. WOO HOO!!!!! Anyway, I don't know if you guys are still reading this or not. I was just "inspired" to write a new entry b/c of mr. (or ms./mrs.) anynomous who left a comment on my one of my entries. Anyway, I have to get going. Hope everyone is well.

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

Hey guys,

I have a favor to ask. One of my friends at school has discovered that you can get a free iPod if you get 5 people to do one of several online offers. You don't have to keep the offer, you just need to do the subscription and everything. If any of you would like to help me get an iPod (I completely understand if you don't), just click on the address below. Thanks!

Monday, January 17, 2005

So, yea, I'm back at school after a very restful, but, not quite peaceful break. I've moved in with a new roommate and i think it's going to go pretty well. i've been talking with this guy who i met on this christian retreat and i really like him. he's really cool and cute and polite and....well....he's great. only thing with him is that he's really hard to get in touch with. lol. but, i guess if that's the only real thing i have to worry about with him, i'm doing really well. lol. it sucks though, due to the fact that i CAN'T go out with him b/c of his situation with his parents and my situation with my parents. Um, the whole thing of not being out is NOT a good thing when trying to start a relationship. lol. So, yea, anyway, i'm going to get going. hopefully, i'll be able to update this a little more now that i'm at school again.

Monday, January 10, 2005

Just these massive dots

"When I was a little kid, I use to put my face right up to them, ya know, and I was just amazed, it was just these massive dots. I think life is like that sometimes. But, I like to think that from God's perspective, life, everything, even this...makes sense. It's not just dots. Instead, we're all, we're all connected, and it's beautiful and it's funny, and it's good. From this close, we can't expect it to make sense right now."
----Steve Sandvoss in "Latter Days"

You know, besides being a really good movie, this quote really got to me. I don't know what it was. Here is this Mormom missionary talking with a woman who just had to pull the plug on one of her closest companions and I find myself rewinding it over and over again. Maybe it's because of all the things that have been going on lately. My grandmother isn't doing very well and is basically surviving on life support. My car was totaled. I ended a friendship. Everything just seemed like a bunch of massive dots. I've had these type of situations before and somehow, miraculously, it always works out, in some way, good or bad, it works out, and everything seems connected.

Friday, December 10, 2004

ok, i have to make this quick. u know, why do we have friends??? sometimes, they are a royal pain. i just patched some things up with one of my friends, but, i have gotten to the point where i think that our friendship SHOULD die. our friendship is built on those brief moments of peace and "contentment" in between the massive arguments. instead of understanding and believing me when i say something, he just re-states his original position and it's really getting old. I just don't understand him. i am ALWAYS the bad guy. i am ALWAYS the one to blame and I'M TIRED OF IT!!!!! just once i would like for him to be like, "this is my fault, i'm sorry". but, if i say ONE WORD WRONG, it's my fault....everything is MY FAULT! i know i sound petty right now, but, damn it, this is my blogspot and i can if i want to!!!! lol. I slept with this guy, and even tho he KNEW i liked him, we did it anyway. He KNEW that nothing would come of it, but, we did it anyway. now, when i have asked him about doing it again and after some other history about the subject, he almost breaks off the friendship completely. I don't understand. Supposedly, it's MY fault! He knew that I liked him and if a gay guy has his hand down another gay guy's pants, do u really think the one guy is going to be thinking if this is going to ruin their friendship???? NO ONE THINKS REASONABLY WHEN IT COMES TO SEX!!!!!! He's the one that doesn't like me! so, in that sense, HE should be the one doing the reasoning, don't u think??? I don't know. I'm tired and have a final. Good night

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

Evanescence's "My Immortal"

my immortal

i'm so tired of being here
suppressed by all of my childish fears
and if you have to leave
i wish that you would just leave
because your presence still lingers here
and it won't leave me alone

these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase

when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears
and i've held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me

you used to captivate me
by your resonating light
but now i'm bound by the life you left behind
your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase

when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears
and i've held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me

i've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
and though you're still with me
i've been alone all along

Friday, October 15, 2004

You know, i'm getting to the point of indifference with the whole situation here. Right now, my roommate is here with his fiance who is lying down on the bed with him. Why can't I have my boyfriend (if I HAD one) here with me, snuggling, cuddling with me? I have the same desires and goals as heterosexual guys. I have the same physical makeup.....we won't go into that one......if you don't know, ask someone, hahahahaha. I'm just really getting annoyed by the situation. I know that I just said that I'm indifferent to everything, but, it's REALLY annoying about my roommate and his fiance. She has her own herself. Why can't they just leave our room alone and go to her room???? I don't want to see them in bed together. Obviously, they aren't doing anything or at least they BETTER NOT BE! So, I don't understand.....why can't I just have the room to myself. If and when I come out to everyone, I want them to keep this in mind. I have to live in their world 24/7 and I have to put up with their relationships and I try to be open to them. They only live in my world if they ask me about it. They don't have to worry about my relationships because, first.....I don't HAVE any! And second.....even if I did, I would realize that it might make them uncomfortable. However, both of those things are happening to me at this very moment. I don't understand how they could do that?! Ok, I'm just rambling, but, that's why I created this blog. So, I could vent to some degree.